Take a Look at Yourself
Explore how personal perspectives shape our relationships and the power of self-reflection in resolving conflicts.
Personal Development
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True understanding begins when we turn the mirror inward to reflect on our own roles in relationships.
Dr. Norm
Understanding Different Perspectives
“If only my ________ were more like me, we wouldn’t have such a difficult relationship.” You can fill in the blank with boss, spouse, sibling, employee… Whoever you are talking about is someone with whom you don’t get along smoothly.
You have a number of ideas about how they need to improve and do things differently, and perhaps have even tried to offer them some advice that would help. This is not an easy paradigm: the other party in this difficult relationship may have similar views about you. They may feel that if you could only change a little bit, and maybe be more like they are, life would be better. They may even offer you some suggestions, advice, and “coaching”.
Narratives and Beliefs
A widely famous novelist, Harlen Coben, offers the simple, profound idea in his Don’t Let Go, “We embrace what fits our narrative, and ignore what doesn’t.” This manifests in several ways:
This last one is my favorite, but I do not describe myself this way. I apply this description to someone I perceive to be hard-headed, opinionated or set in their ways.
Challenges in Perception
Self-fulfilling prophecies abound in our thinking and in how we see things working out. Pessimists may say something like, “Given my luck, it will probably rain tomorrow,” when an outdoor event is scheduled. Another phrase I like about pessimists, offered by a hardcore pessimist: “One good thing about being a pessimist, I’m never disappointed!”
When we develop a negative perception of the person with whom we have a poor relationship, we tend to conclude negative things about them, such as:
Strategies for Improvement
What can you do when you are part of a relationship that you don’t like? It’s easy to see how the other person needs to change, but when you’ve offered what you thought was constructive criticism and good advice, you’ve been rebuffed. The person became defensive, and wanted to turn things around and criticize you. It can be tempting to try to walk away and ignore the problem.
You can try to vary your approach, perhaps invite the person for coffee or lunch and try to get to know them at a more personal level. You can ask for help from someone else—a friend, a relative, a counselor, or someone who you think can be neutral.
Self-Reflection and Growth
Another thought is, you can reflect and think about what YOU might do differently to improve the relationship? This type of self-examination response may not be immediate for many of us, but we might consider it necessary if we really need to have a better relationship with this person. Maybe the person is someone higher up in the organization whose endorsement you need if you want to get promoted. Maybe it is someone you would like to get along smoothly with, not so much for yourself, but for the benefit of loved ones in your family?
Learning about yourself and how to improve is a lifelong journey. No one seems to have all the answers, although some people may think they do. I remember when I was growing up, a fundamentalist preacher from West Virginia said in a radio broadcast, “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts!”
Conclusions
- We look at life and relationships through our own idiosyncratic lenses.
- It’s easier to see what other people need to do differently than to see what we ourselves need to do.
- When we have negative feelings about someone, it is likely they have similar feelings about us.
- Personal growth is a lifelong endeavor, and at its best includes a commitment to learning about ourselves.
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